And finally, some helmet cam footage shot on one of our patrols. Obviously the subtitles were added after. This was roughly January 2009. Little bit of an ambush. Joint patrol with Afghan Army (ANA).
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Seeing is Believing
This is a video a Canadian Press reporter made of the first few months of my tour. Sept-Oct 2009.
I've been here for years
It's been a year almost to the day (I got to Canada on April 28th, 2010) that I've been home from Afghanistan and I'm still struggling to put into word what exactly I feel about the whole thing. I've sat down probably two dozen times to get it out and for some reason, I just...can't. I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe it's a combination of things, I don't know. There was just SO MUCH that happened there, to the point where it's almost exhausting mentally to even attempt to put it into a stream of words that make any kind of sense.
But here we go.
I love Afghanistan. It seems weird to say given that some of the worst things I've ever been through, seen and done happened in the Zhari-Panjwayi Districts of Kandahar Province. The whole time I was there all I wanted to do was go home but now that I'm home, there isn't a single day that I wake up and don't want desperately want to go back. I met some absolutely amazing local people, as well as people from other militaries. I got to go to a place that is old, in every sense of that word. There were times I'd be sitting in a Observation Post (OP) and just lookaround and think "Jesus I am in an OLD place."
There are almost too many emotions that I feel when I think about the war and Afghanistan in general. I feel rage toward the Taliban for obvious reasons. I feel rage toward the locals for being so goddamn non-commital and on the fence, even though I can't fault them for being so. I feel frustrated and angry over the apparent lack of a plan at the highest levels of NATO leadership. It often seemed like we were doing one thing on one 6 month tour, and then doing almost the opposite on the next tour. I'm sure (or I'd like to believe) that this is not the case, that, as a soldier on the ground with a rifle in my hand, I don't see the big picture as it is drawn in NATO headquarters, but AS a soldier on the ground, the leadership's responsibility is to ensure I know why I;m doing what I'm doing to the extent that it is possible for me to know that.
In the months after I got home, I had a hard time. I was VERY short tempered and my wife and I fought a lot. I wasn't sleeping well at all. I woke up almost everynight. Sometimes I remembered my dreams, sometimes I didn't. I once woke up from a dream and struck out with my fist and punched Celia in the head. If I was sleeping or concentrating on something and someone came into the room and startled me, I would come out of my skin. Loud noises would make my heartrate jump and put me on edge. I won't even talk about crowds of people or driving in traffic. The Army calls this "hyper vigilance." It is how you survive in combat, but it's difficult to turn off when you get home.
All of these problems have pretty much faded away. I still don't like loud noises that I don't know are coming, and crowds makle me uncomfortable from time to time. My temper is mostly back to normal, although I do find myself less patient than I used to be. They say that everyone has some things that will never go away, but that as long as they don't change your life or the way you live it, you're ok, so in that respect, I'm back to normal.
As of this year Canada's mission in Afghanistan has been extended by 3 years, but our role is shifting from a direct combat role, to a training mission. After that, one assumes, we will pull out, win or lose. I have absolutely no idea how I feel about that. I know we can't stay there forever, and 50% of the time, I think "fuck that place, lets get out," but I also know the job isn't done and you just don't quit before you've finished.
I have no idea what I'mn trying to say here. If it makes any sense or just reads like ramblings, I don't know. But, I'm not gonna go back and edit it. I just had some thoughts and I wanted to throw them down.
I'm proud of what I do. I'm an excellent soldier. Ranked the #1 soldier in my Regiment. While deployed I earned a Commanding Officer's Commendation for some things I did. I am better at this than I have ever been at anything else. Killing isn't fun. Being shot at and blown up isn't fun. Dead and horribly injured civilians and friends aren't fun. But I can't wait to go back. It's hard to reconcile the good things about this job with the bad things.
Canada moved it's Battle Group from Kabul to Kandahar Province (the deadliest province in the country) in 2006. In the entire Province it was just us. We had 2,400 troops, but only about 500 combat troops. In fall 2006 until spring 2007 we fought the biggest battle of the war since the invasion (Operation Medusa) which was called by US leadership "the battle that saved NATO in Afghanistan and held Kandahar City" against what was later called by an American General "The Taliban Tet Offensive" and then we singlehandedly fought our way across, took and HELD the entire province of Kandahar (all while rescuing a British force in neighbouring Helmand Province from near annihilation) for 5 more years by ourselves.
Whatever else comes of this whole experience, I can always be proud of that.
But here we go.
I love Afghanistan. It seems weird to say given that some of the worst things I've ever been through, seen and done happened in the Zhari-Panjwayi Districts of Kandahar Province. The whole time I was there all I wanted to do was go home but now that I'm home, there isn't a single day that I wake up and don't want desperately want to go back. I met some absolutely amazing local people, as well as people from other militaries. I got to go to a place that is old, in every sense of that word. There were times I'd be sitting in a Observation Post (OP) and just lookaround and think "Jesus I am in an OLD place."
There are almost too many emotions that I feel when I think about the war and Afghanistan in general. I feel rage toward the Taliban for obvious reasons. I feel rage toward the locals for being so goddamn non-commital and on the fence, even though I can't fault them for being so. I feel frustrated and angry over the apparent lack of a plan at the highest levels of NATO leadership. It often seemed like we were doing one thing on one 6 month tour, and then doing almost the opposite on the next tour. I'm sure (or I'd like to believe) that this is not the case, that, as a soldier on the ground with a rifle in my hand, I don't see the big picture as it is drawn in NATO headquarters, but AS a soldier on the ground, the leadership's responsibility is to ensure I know why I;m doing what I'm doing to the extent that it is possible for me to know that.
In the months after I got home, I had a hard time. I was VERY short tempered and my wife and I fought a lot. I wasn't sleeping well at all. I woke up almost everynight. Sometimes I remembered my dreams, sometimes I didn't. I once woke up from a dream and struck out with my fist and punched Celia in the head. If I was sleeping or concentrating on something and someone came into the room and startled me, I would come out of my skin. Loud noises would make my heartrate jump and put me on edge. I won't even talk about crowds of people or driving in traffic. The Army calls this "hyper vigilance." It is how you survive in combat, but it's difficult to turn off when you get home.
All of these problems have pretty much faded away. I still don't like loud noises that I don't know are coming, and crowds makle me uncomfortable from time to time. My temper is mostly back to normal, although I do find myself less patient than I used to be. They say that everyone has some things that will never go away, but that as long as they don't change your life or the way you live it, you're ok, so in that respect, I'm back to normal.
As of this year Canada's mission in Afghanistan has been extended by 3 years, but our role is shifting from a direct combat role, to a training mission. After that, one assumes, we will pull out, win or lose. I have absolutely no idea how I feel about that. I know we can't stay there forever, and 50% of the time, I think "fuck that place, lets get out," but I also know the job isn't done and you just don't quit before you've finished.
I have no idea what I'mn trying to say here. If it makes any sense or just reads like ramblings, I don't know. But, I'm not gonna go back and edit it. I just had some thoughts and I wanted to throw them down.
I'm proud of what I do. I'm an excellent soldier. Ranked the #1 soldier in my Regiment. While deployed I earned a Commanding Officer's Commendation for some things I did. I am better at this than I have ever been at anything else. Killing isn't fun. Being shot at and blown up isn't fun. Dead and horribly injured civilians and friends aren't fun. But I can't wait to go back. It's hard to reconcile the good things about this job with the bad things.
Canada moved it's Battle Group from Kabul to Kandahar Province (the deadliest province in the country) in 2006. In the entire Province it was just us. We had 2,400 troops, but only about 500 combat troops. In fall 2006 until spring 2007 we fought the biggest battle of the war since the invasion (Operation Medusa) which was called by US leadership "the battle that saved NATO in Afghanistan and held Kandahar City" against what was later called by an American General "The Taliban Tet Offensive" and then we singlehandedly fought our way across, took and HELD the entire province of Kandahar (all while rescuing a British force in neighbouring Helmand Province from near annihilation) for 5 more years by ourselves.
Whatever else comes of this whole experience, I can always be proud of that.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Don't Call it a Comeback
So this is it. My new blog. It has been a long, long time since I've done a blog. I had one a few years ago on this very site but after a while I more or less abandoned it (honestly I think it was because I forgot my password and was to lazy to go looking). I also kinda ran out of things to talk about, or felt I did anyway. I'm going to do my best NOT to let this one die but I tend to have trouble just posting random musings. Usually I need something specific I want to talk about but I guess we'll see how it goes. I've been told that doing a blog is a good way to make yourself write and if I'mn being prefectly honest, that might be the main reason I'm doing this.
I love to write creative fiction but I've had a lot of trouble picking up a pen. I haven't done it in almnost 7 years. I had a pretty in depth story going and then I left for basic training about halfway through it and just sort of...lost it. I really, desperately want to finish it, and to hopefully write more, so this blog is going to by an attempt to get my shit together and get that creative vibe back.
......And to talk about hot girls and music a little bit.
I love to write creative fiction but I've had a lot of trouble picking up a pen. I haven't done it in almnost 7 years. I had a pretty in depth story going and then I left for basic training about halfway through it and just sort of...lost it. I really, desperately want to finish it, and to hopefully write more, so this blog is going to by an attempt to get my shit together and get that creative vibe back.
......And to talk about hot girls and music a little bit.
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